Hello Again

Oh hey. It has been nearly two months since my last post. So let's dive right into that.

Life is complex. Duh. You didnt need me to say that. You're living your life and I'm certain you have FAR more going on than people know. Even your closes friends or life partner probably don't know alllllll the things going on in and out that gorgeous head of yours.

I know for me, I'm constantly thinking (and possibly worrying/stressing) about if I'm getting it all done right. I'm trying to be a mom to animals and a little human, wife and partner to an amazing husband, employee/interpreter to a job I truly enjoy, friend to an incredible bunch of people, daughter, sister, cousin, niece.... and a person who needs fitness constantly. And I'm also someone who loves cooking.... oh and someone who's writing a book.

So in a day I should be having adventures with my son (and giving him my full undivided attention, right?), writing this blog and book, walking each dog several miles for exercise, working a few hours a day interpreting, reaching out to friends, helping others where I can, planning get togethers & weekend excursions, working out, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, keeping family connected with constant video and calls and pictures... oh and trying to preserve energy to have meaningful time with my husband.... Oh and not to mention scheduling the plumber or doctors appointments when needed. So for the past several months I've been doing it all.

You get this. You're doing it too. Just insert the priorities you've got. I bet your list is just as lengthy, if not longer! But we are badass babes (and dudes), right?! I know I am. I'm doing it all.

And I'm drowning.

I am getting some of it done. Maybe even a lot of it done... But there just isn't enough time to do this all. But I'm be damned if I don't try every single day.... even at the expense of depleting my bandwidth beyond repair. And because of this, the thoughts and energy I hear in my head right now, well... I don't like it. AT ALL.

I'm burnt out.

I'm burnt out in all the avenues in life: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

So I sought out help. Help in ALLLL the different ways. From my family, friends, and a professional.

My gal, Jody, one amazing Holistic Maternal Wellness Therapist, has been one of my guiding lights to figuring out how to reestablish a better pattern of incorporating the things I love and thrive on, without the cost of my energy and joy.

So two months ago Jody bluntly said: "Ok. I see you're "doing it all". How's that going for you? You don't seem like someone who's thriving."

And I wasnt. I've been burning the candle at both ends.... hell, I feel like I am at times burning the middle with an extra flame too.

This is NOT ok. Not ok for anyone.

So the next question: why don't we ask for help? Do we seem weak? Disorganized? Needy? Pathetic? Lazy? Ill prepared? I hate every single one of these words. And I most certainly do NOT describe myself with these words. So maybe asking for the help seemed to put me in these categories. So how do I prove I'm NOT these characters? By doing it all. Proof I'm strong, organized, highly motivated, prepared, and brilliant. But in doing this, I just feel tried, grumpy, resentful, and ugly. And that is even more unsavory than those other adjectives. So it was time to change!

I've been working with my gal Jody to find peace, love, and wholeness again!

One of Jody's first impactful lessons:

There is wisdom in doing nothing.

So with GREAT discomfort I chose to not write a blog post for a week. This was hard because in starting the blog I promised myself I would write once a week NO MATTER WHAT! I wrote during our big move, when I was sick, and when we traveled. I made it happen in difficult times. So I know I can do it. But I am drowning, meaning I'm open to listening and changing because my currently situation needs a different course of action than the action that got me stuck in the first place.

So you know what happened when I decided to skip a week? NOTHING! Amazinggggg. No one died, no one lost money, no one got sick. It just didnt happen. So what. I felt relieved AND it felt uncomfortable. Both emotions lived (still live) within me. So I was told to sit with that.

There are no good or bad feelings. And no hierarchy of feelings. Feelings are messengers. All give us feedback to what is going on inside me.

Ok.... I'm uncomfortable. But let's do it again.... and again... and again. Every week, I intentionally chose NOT to write.

I can’t expect something different from my current experience if I don’t experience something different.

Jody's got some deep knowledge. So I did something different. And it was nice. Did it solve ALLLLL the layers of complexity my life offers me? Not even close. But it broke the pattern loop that I've been beating the drum of for.... a lifetime.

But writing DOES bring me joy. I have had SEVERAL of you readers reach out and share how the blog has offered help, insight, and joy to your day. THAT fuels me. Maybe it just strokes my ego. The jury is still out on that. But if impacting others in a positive way makes me happy, that's a win for humanity. So I want to bring this joy back into my life. And in a way that feels right for me, my sanity, and my benefit.

Which is how we have arrived at this post!

Not sure how often or when posts will come. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. I dont know. Exciting, right? It makes this blog like an epic food truck that doesnt disclose it's location until THAT day.

But as my 1st post back, I hope to share some REALLY powerful thoughts from my journey over the last several months. Because the clique just might be true: We are all in this together. Living this life, struggling, thriving and everything in between. I hope some of these gems guide you to a life of balance and happiness, especially during times of deep struggle. They have started the ball rolling for me.... So let's adventure like this together. Everything is better together!

So here we go:

Not trusting others is a burden onto yourself and at a high cost to you.

I can't meet all of my personal needs AND everyone else's needs at the same time.

There is no end to my evolution. AND, I am already whole.

Interdependence = enriched relationships

I cant bypass the mess parts of life.

Ask for help.

It is not my job to manage other people's boundaries.

Life is not lived in silos/extremes/black and white. Allow for range. And be open to adjusting the level of range as needed.

Feelings are fleeting. I am always evolving and changing.

I can not expect myself from others.

Learn to feel the vastness of the human experience.

I cant put a bow on things.

Don't try to solve it. Just be with it. There is power in keeping ownership. And discomfort. Both are ok.

Two competing needs: survival and connection. You can not do them both simultaneously.

I am kind, compassionate, loving, tolerant, empathetic AND I can choose not to be around someone.

Practice discernment based on capacity. Use my internal judgement to decide what I can handle at this time.

I might need to learn to tolerate being "a bad person" in someone else's eyes. Their view of me, ISNT me.

Know the younger self did not have the experiences to know/have the tools to properly adjust at that time. But your older self does. You have permission to change your younger self behaviors because you now know more than you did before. But be kind to the younger self for not knowing better.

I dont have it figured out. And that is ok.

My beliefs are just my beliefs.

I can curate my life how I want. Our family and friends and acquaintances are involved in our story BUT are having a separate experience. Even in the same experience.

Strong character comes from challenges. So wishes challenges away is like wishing away strong character.

It’s ok to change your mind. Want a different outcome.

Loss of capacity = loss of connection

Acknowledge life gets more challenging when you acquire more responsibilities.

Acknowledging life is challenging doesn't diminish gratitude.

Be compassionate and curious about feeling "uneasy". What is it trying to tell me?

Lastly.... some questions:

What can I do to cultivate a self I am proud of?

Can I befriend my stirred-up feelings?

How am I doing at this moment in my body?

What is the cost of not asking for help? What is the benefit?

What is the cost of asking for help? What is the benefit?

Do I want to be this person 6 months from now? 6 years? 60 years?

I have to stop and think after each and every quote and question. They are deep, complex, meaningful. Hell, I'm still thinking on most of them. How they apply to me, how I can implement action, how do I allow/acknowledge their existence within me. I could literally write a lengthy blog post about ALL of these thoughts. Maybe I'll share some context on some of these in future blog posts.

I'm fairly certain we all have experiences with them. And that's wonderful and comforting... and a little sad to know. We have all been there.... AND we should accept that will step in and out of these feelings for our entire lifetime. So we better learn some tools to take this ride, because it's coming/is already here for us. My empathy has grown dramatically because of this. If this chaos is going on in my head.... I can assume someone else has a greater or lesser degree of this too. If so, I hope you find your way out. And I hope you start doing the work to get yourself there. I'm over here chipping away.... and I'm pretty sure the work never ends.

It's never about the goal. It's about becoming.

Also, if you are ever feeling truly dark and helpless... I promise YOU MATTER and YOU BRING VALUE to this world! There is a way out. Please call: 1-800-273-8255 or call/text 988. Too many of us have had friends/loved ones/acquaintances feel there was no way. Those hearts are forever darkened because of it. And YOU ARE LOVED.

So I hope for joy and laughter and wonder for you. Like a two-year-old on a carousal:

So more two-year-old on a carousal energy to come from LoveKoppizza! Thank you for your love and support and patience.... and truly kind private messages.

Can not wait to post again..... soon.... ish.