A Dinner MUST.

Happy Hanukkah! Time to celebrate and dust off the weird Hanukkah sweaters.

Welcome to my Jewish family. It's maybe a little chaotic. We are loud, funny.... and did I mention loud? When my husband met my family for the first time, I told him the rules:

If you want to talk you need to be louder and/or faster than the person currently talking. And you have to interrupt. But its not interrupting in our home. Its just normal conversation cadence.

Jeff thought I was exaggerating, and I've been known to do so when it comes to stories, for creative flare, not about facts of course... or for time- aka I'll be ready in 10mins.... all lies.... probably more like 20. Anyway, this was no exxageration. Jeff learned this fast. And like my father, most of the time he just sits back and watches the crazy conversation unfold.

I love this loud Jewish family dynamic. But now we have a problem: my Dad and husband typically don't command the topic of conversation as much. Lucky for Jeff, I can talk with him 24/7... and ask him all the crazy things I need to know (This is somewhat sarcastic.... but yet also honest.... and I'm almost certain this is what Jeff loves and makes crazy about me).

But this is unlucky for my Dad. Well not really. He really enjoys listening! What a gift. So many people, at least the ones in my life, love to talk. So to have a listener is such a special & needed quality.

The downside- I don't get endless, unsolicited stories that give me color and details to his life. So I set out to change that. And "Ask Dad Dinner" was born.

The goal- an entire dinner dedicated to asking Dad questions about himself, his life, the things that are important to him, and everything in-between. Then the ground rules were set and emphasized: NO ONE else was allowed to tell a story, not even me.

So for about a week beforehand, my brother and I put together a list of questions. The questions started easy- What was your favorite Halloween candy as a kid? And quickly progressed into "Are there any regrets or sorries you have left unsaid?" Together we had about 20 questions, not including follow on questions that came up while listening.

My father is 75 years old. So the man has years of amazing stories! We assumed we hadn't heard even a fraction of them because he's such a good listener. Ohhhh but it was about to change!

Pizza was made, obviously! Chicken, jalapeno, onion, pickled beets and banana pepper pizza for me. Yum. Everyone else made some version of normal, with the exception of my future SIL who "accidently" dumped 3 Tablespoons of red pepper flakes on her pizza. She can handle the heat, so no big deal. So with 6 pizza's made.... it was then time.

The entire conversation took over two hours to get through all the questions! There was a roller coaster of emotions too! Some questions were heavy and sad, while others brought out the lightness and fun of childhood. My heart felt so full (fueled my Love Language for 1:1 conversation x10000 for sure). I had not heard nearly ALL of his stories. Some were even down right surprising!

And because the ultimate goal is to write my family's story into a book, it felt even more necessary to writing down his answer. With the added benefit that we will forever be able to recall these stories, not relying solely on memory. I think this is a must.

So more importantly- What I learned:

1) All people are incredibly complex and interesting if you ask the right questions!

2) Listening with no expectation to respond or needing to add an opinion = true presence and connection.

3) Allowing people a safe space to speak their truth/experiences will teach a persons real self and what matters to them.

4) Love grows when people feel deeply heard and appreciated. Make time to ask & listen.

The magic that came from this dinner (ok ok ok it was actually at lunch time, unintendingly...) was overwhelmingly positive, fun, and meaningful. I feel closer to my father than ever. I want to ask him more! And then have a dinner for every single person in my life. Everyone should do this. Often.

Now, I say that and also know the struggles my Deaf friends express when it comes to communication. Often Hearing families with Deaf children don't "speak"/use the same language. Nothing propelled me more into my passion and career in ASL-English interpreting than when I interpreted a dinner between my Dearest friend, Rachel, and her parents, when they came to visit her at Gallaudet University. What these two parties didn't know about each other and you would assume they would because of their assigned relationship was astonishing. Can you even image NOT having that open channel to ask, learn, speak freely about things that matter (and hell... the things that don't too!) Simple questions about family history, or the complex family tree, and silly jokes that get pushed off the table because a family doesn't know enough, or any, ASL (or their countries Signed Language) to allow the sharing of life. I can not fathom how I would feel and live if conversations with my family were this broken.

I say all of this for two reasons- 1) Language accessibility isn't always guaranteed but it SHOULD BE. I witness & understand this more than most. 2) Education and being open to learn are so important. I hope if you didn't know this, you now do.... and want to take action. Hire an interpreter for all your get togethers!!! All while learning ASL (or your countries Sign Language for people like my girl Bessie from El Salvador. More to come on her soon)! The world would be a far more loving place with more authentic appreciation for one another. And if that's not convincing enough, KNOW your heart and life will exponentially grow with this kind of connection too.

Our time on this planet is so short when we really think about time as a whole. We are all interesting beings with unique stories that shape us. Take the time to ask questions. Make people feel loved, heard, understood. Your view on someone will most certainly change for the better. Empathy is never wasted. Love will certainly grow. Lets be a happier community of humans. It all starts with a conversation :)

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Ok ok ok..... I know you're wondering (been asked a bunch already!!) Here's the list of questions. Tag us in your "Ask Dad (or Mom or Friend, Cousin, etc..) Dinners". We will be waiting anxiously to know how wonderful you feel after! xoxo #spreadlove

**In no particular order**

1) What from your childhood shaped you most into the person you are today?

2) What is one trip you want/wanted to go on and haven't yet? Why?

3) What could your partner (husband/wife) always do to make you smile?

4)What is the most recent thing you have learned in life?

5)If your parents could have controlled your life, what do you think your current life would look like?

6)What experience haven't you had that you want to experience?

7) Are there any regrets or sorries left unsaid? And why?

8) What are you most proud of?

9)If you could relive 3 days from your life exactly as they were (one from childhood, one from middle age and one now) which would they be and why?

10) If you could turn back the clock on one day this you and do it differently, what would you do and why?

11) What in your life do you wish you could change?

12) What is one of the fondest memories of time with your parents?

13) What is the most mischievous thing you did as a kid/teen/adult?

14)What is one thing you thought was important as a kid/teen/adult that you now feel differently about?

15) Was there a time in your life you wish you made a different decision?

16) What character trait did you love most about your spouse/partner?

17)What is your biggest joy in life so far?

18) Does anyone who is no longer alive come visit you in your dreams?

19) What was your favorite candy as a child?

20) What hopes do you have for your kids?