Burn Out

I think I'm winning at life... for many reasons. We could get spiritual and deep and talk about so many aspects of my life, both big and small. But the one I'm trying to laugh at most is that it took me FORTY years to realize what being burnt out feels like. That's pretty good, right? Forty years is a long time to be good at managing what's on my plate. But in that same breath I'm also thinking.... hmmmm wait... maybe not? While being burnt out sucks, I think it also teaches the limits of your capacity. If you never red-line in sprinting, do you ever know how hard you can run? Point- I'm burnt out and I'm no different than anyone else.

So you're probably thinking- So this blog post is going to share tips and tricks to ban burn out for good and live an optimistic life! Nope.... Wait. Kind of? While I'm a relentless optimist, even in burn out, I don't have the quick answer, that's for sure. I'm over here burnt out and still working through it. But I'm here sharing because I'm certain someone has or is experiencing something similar. So let's talk about it! No need to hide. Life is better in shared experiences.

I had a dear friend ask me: why are you burnt out? Well isn't that a loaded question. Even better- the person asked: how can I help help? Ugh. I didn't even have that answer. While I could think of about five huge aspects of my current behavior that were draining my emotional bank account, I had no real ideas for how this person could help. And that's silly. If I'm stuck and have no answers, what are the chances I'm going to change my current situation? Not to mention, I'm burnt out! When do I have the energy or time to figure out the solution? And dumping all the help on my husband isn't cool either (Sorry Jeff. You've been a saint!)

I do need help, but asking for help might (is) be the reason I'm stuck. For whatever reason, asking feels like a burden. We all have full plates, right? How can I ask the people I care about to add more to their plate? But as I have been thinking about "how can I help?" I realized I needed to come up with ideas that aren't massive grand gestures of assistance. And while a massive grand gesture is amazing (I'm looking at you Sherrie, my MIL, flying here for a week to give me a hand), why do I feel like it's gotta be "go big or go home"?

So I'm writing, mainly for my own selfish reasons, to figure out and share what the answer to the question might be and look like for me! And hopefully it helps someone reading too.

First, I think there are two parts to the answer: How can someone help AND how can you help yourself. I think both are equally important to understand. I have heard, and live by, the concept that if you outsource your happiness to others, you will forever rely on others for your happiness. I want to own my happiness at all times. I can't count on Jeff (or any friend/family member for that matter) to make me happy but he certainly does bring happiness to my life. Maybe that's the difference. I've always told Jeff I don't NEED him but I WANT him in my life always. He naturally brings happiness to the table, but it's not his job to do so. So how do I cultivate my own happiness so I never NEED to rely on any outside resource. I think that's a big step. So let's talk what you can do for yourself first.

1) Move your body. I try to workout 4x a week.... but recently with my burn out feeling like a level 10000, I have been kicking the can down the road. Even with the knowledge that working out will help center me, I still don't do it. Ugh again. So I'm working on giving myself that grace. At the same time, I know that "working out" doesn't HAVE to be in my new and epic home gym. Getting in a walk feels good too. Not a total win when it comes to my personal preference.... BUT this is better than nothing. And walking makes Reece and my dogs happy too.

2) Serve someone else in a situation potentially more complicated than your own. I remember many moons ago, nearly 15 years at this point, Jeff and I were dating. He got a letter and was involuntarily recalled back to the USMC to serve in Afghanistan. This was a really hard time for us. Jeff served in a remote outpost in southern Afghanistan for 7 months. During that time, they lost Marines to suicide bombers and terrorist attacks. But you know what helped center me during this time? The fact that my dear friend, Kathy's, husband was dying of ALS. While Jeff was in danger, there was a good chance he would come home. Kathy's husband on the other hand was going to die. And there was no chance of that NOT happening in the near future. Being a friend to Kathy saved my soul and gave me perspective that re-framed everything. So in my current burn out, I am honored to serve my friends in need. Many of them with issues I have never experienced or hope to experience. Their burden is my blessing. Forever grateful for the gift of being a friend to someone else.

3) Gratitude journal. Or write a blog, in my case. It sounds clique. I picture a 20 year old, female fitness model using her rich father's credit card to have a social media photo-shot in the woods, glamping, with a team of chefs and friends, telling me to journal and life will change. While this annoys me to my core, she's not wrong. Well the manufactured situation might be wrong (although I'm even questioning that as long she really does the work), but the concept is right. Gratitude changes everything for the better.

4) Do nothing and be ok with that. Even when nothing makes the burn out seem worse. This might be in my head. I find myself messaging friends saying: well once XYZ is off my plate, it will be easier. HA am I lying to myself? Don't we all do and say this? My To Do list shrinks and grows daily and my plate and bandwidth haven't changed. Hell, the biggest check off the To Do list was moving into the renovation project. Check, done. And life is just as busy. Proof I will forever have endless fun and draining activities I could tackle. BUT if I dont do any of them for a day, week, month.... will it make my life implode? Probably not.

5) Look back at old photos. This always reminds me of the best and most fun times. And while the photos are just a snapshot of the good time, I can also pull from the surrounding time period and remember it wasn't perfect and stress free. But that memory and moment feels it, so there is grace in remembering that. Anyone remember me during this time? Ridiculously stressful.... Super magical.

6) Plan a trip or exciting event to break up the routine that's causing the burn out. Ugh this is SO damn hard to do. I have 10,000,000 excuses on why I shouldn't. Time. Money. Too busy. No energy. But actually setting a plan feels like a rock taken off my chest. And it doesn't even need to be a big plan. Scheduling a weekend camping feels just as awesome as the trip to Colorado we have set.

7) Talk with a life coach, counselor, respected leader in your community, therapist, a friend whose an expert listener and has experienced the same thing. Pretty sure this should be number 1, as it has been the aspect that's initiated all the others. No one wants the "one upper friend" or the friend who always shares THEIR experience to match yours. That's not connection, not appreciation, not feeling seen. But someone who can listen, echo back understanding, listen with empathy & openness, suggest ideas of change, and challenge you where you might be doing things wrong... well that person IS PURE GOLD. Being this friend or person is an ART! Not everyone can do this. So finding this person(s) isn't always easy. Life changed when I found a therapist who does this all. Being unfiltered with her is freeing, and super challenging too.

These elements feel essential to move through burn out. But as I try to avoid asking for help, maybe relying on others is the secret sauce for REALLY moving out of burn out. So I shall suffer in this discomfort of thinking of ideas (and being open to accept these "gifts") that I COULD (and should) ask of my circle.

So here's my best guess on how others can show up for me:

1) Connection. Not a LIKE on a social media post or even a message publicly on Facebook. While nice, the extra mile comes from taking time to text someone privately to say, "hi", "thinking of you", "cheering for you", "love you", whatever your message might be. It feels good to be seen and thought about without public acknowledgment. The other day I got a video message from a dear friend and it just lifted my soul levels UP from where the day had drained me to. And might I mention, a connection without expectation is key. Being burnt out means I don't always think or remember to respond. The grace that my circle doesn't care if I respond or not is the extra layer of understanding and love I appreciate most. And I'll always try to respond. But also I accidentally don't too.

2) Workout accountability partners. I am so thankful for my friends Rich and Isaac who constantly, and sweetly, nudge & remind me to get moving. Moving my body was my first self care idea.... but sometimes I need to push to get the momentum going... or started. Being this person to someone is big. And it definitely helps! And.... I could always use more!

3) Deliver Food. Send UberEats. Hell.... go shopping for someone! My Dad's fiance goes to Costco for me constantly. What a saint! She even goes to the stupid busy Costco where everyone hates the parking lot. With things like Venmo and Cashapp, paying people back is a breeze. Yeah I know you can pay for a delivery service like Instacart, but you know what is awesome to do and receive... the text that says "Hey! I'm going to Walmart and swinging by. Whatcha need?"

4) Babysit. Not even full on babysit. Come over, play games with my child while I vacuum the house, do laundry, make food.... Or pick up dog poop in the yard. Or just keep me company. Either way works!

5) Send a cup of coffee. I feel like this one probably speaks to my Love Language. I love gifts: giving and receiving. And I feel like a cup of coffee says: "Hey Boo. I see you. I know your struggling and I get it. You're probably tired. So go treat yourself to a coffee. It might help. Love you. Thinking of you from a far. Know you're not far from mind". This could also just be the narrative I tell myself but it's a really powerful one.

6) Send a funny text or meme. Need I say more? Yep... sometimes I scroll social media for a laugh and some lightness. It's helpful in the right doses. But why scroll when friends send me the best of the best. And I know if I need that dopamine dose, I can go straight to my friend Anya's Instagram stories. Could someone add that skill to her resume? She's got that true mastery of laughter in chaos down.

7) Go to a concert with friends. Ok this should read, help your burnt out friend by breaking up the routine. Got that this weekend with my soul-sisters: Zara and Karla. This was hard for me to do. Sounds weird, right? Hard to plan a night out with my girls? Yes. There are 1,000 excuses I could make to why this would be amazing, but not right now. Too tired, too much to coordinate, too late for this girl. Stop that Marcy. This refueled my soul. So here's my own reminder: STOP doing what I need to do, and do the something else to change the everyday routine. I am beyond grateful for the fun we had this weekend. I felt refreshed after.... even after staying up WAY past my bedtime.

This picture sums it up.

Asking for help is REALLY hard for this girl. Even from my husband. So I write this blog mainly for me. “We teach best what we most need to learn.” ― Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. But also for anyone out there in the same boat. I hope it's the push I, you, need to ask more directly and authentically for what could help. Super awkward and uncomfortable. And if you get that feeling too, we are probably good friends! I am beyond grateful for a community of family, close friends, friends and acquaintances. Every single person in my life serves a wonderful role. And wouldn't it be even better if I allowed everyone to show up for me in a special way? Pretty sure that's true. So here's to my work in progress. I hope yours too XOXO.