Seasons of Friends

There are seasons of everything. And at first, I thought seasons for friends was kind of crappy... Especially when the friend who exits your life was a good one and you miss how they previously showed up for you. But the more I have experienced seasons of friends, the more I've realized it's a great blessing. Don't agree? Let's hash it out.

Two big reasons:

1) We only have so much capacity for ourselves and others. Maybe you call it bandwidth or energy or time. But we only have a finite amount of it. Oooo I know this because I burn through it daily. When a season for someone ends, I've started to look at it with such love. This means I have more time, energy, bandwidth, capacity to give SOMEONE else! The gift of friendship for someone new is a beautiful thing.

2) Allowing someone to "exit" your life doesn't mean they are gone for good. It just means this current time isn't meant for your co-creation together. Again as Richard Bach says:

Don't be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.”

Truth. Truth. Truth. Whether this life or not, I trust this in my bones.

And this last week, thanks to the connection maintained on social media, I reconnected with my college partner in crime: Liz. After nearly 20 years. Which feels like a lifetime. But was certain for us, as she was most certainly a GREAT friend. Not to mention, just chatting with her has grown my heart in ways I couldn't have expected. So many great life lessons not to share.... So let's talk about it.

I guess the best way to describe why reconnecting is such fun is because there is excitement in reflection. How we remember things is so personal to us. What gets stored in our memories is what we think/perceive is important or meaningful. So two friends will most certainly have shared memories, but also many others. Exchanging our best memories over the years just lit deep joy in my stomach. You know what I'm talking about.... those times you were just being you. Recalling those moments feels like the fun you were having during. You can smell, taste, feeeeeel those times. That's nostalgia baby! So fun.

Let's back track a little and give you insight into me and Liz. First off, I never really called her Liz in college. We loving always refereed to each other as "Hoodie". Pretty sure this developed because of a drunk college night when we tired to share one hoodie. This perfectly described us at this time: inseparable. So Liz might be her "government" name.... but Hoodie is so much of who she was to me.

This was probably the night. Or one very similar.

We actually tried to reconnect over the phone for this blog. Her story of surviving facial cancer during our college years blows my mind still to date. How kids were able to handle such heaviness is fascinating. I had planned to write a blog post all about how friends made light of heavy adult issues like death, cried when needed, rejected "should do's" with laughter, and conquered an already confusing time in life with huge life lessons... But Oprah did that with Liz. Yup. She was on Oprah to share her story, because it was (is) that beautiful. And yes, we are still digging online to find it. But that actually isn't the best part of reconnecting with Liz after all of these years. The phone call with her shed light on some other really cool parts of life that I think are even better. So while the story of us taking hundreds of hand pictures to make sure Liz didn't lose documentation of this time period (she didn't want her face in pictures during/after all the surgeries) that isn't as cool as these lesson below.

At least in my opinion.

So here goes....

It's probably been 18 years since we've talked or see each other. And no, social media interactions don't count. But I am thankful for that channel to stay connected. Eighteen years is a long time! Gosh I remember turning 18 and thinking "Wow, I've lived a lifetime just to reach this age." And that's the time that's passed between connection. But what I've learned 1st from Liz is that distance and time don't change the fundamentals of a true friendship. Talking to Liz on the phone felt as easy and fun as it did back in college. We are who we are deep down. And yes, I'm most definitely a better version of myself now, but the personality, moral fibers, and values I had back then are still important to me now.

We literally laughed a ton thinking about who we were. It's irony this next truth exists. I often think of the person I was in my younger years to be a person that had a LOT of flaws. I was young, trying to navigate life through the best method available: trial and error. Nothing better for learning than action. Words don't teach. I've always felt that. So I was making all kinds of wild choices on who I wanted to show up and be. Some good and meant for repeat... and some bad.... which taught me QUICK (or repetitively) to stop. But in retrospect, that person, while much more unpredictable, was still fundamentally me in the essence I embrace now. Liz pin pointed this perfectly as we talked about old pictures of ourselves. She reminisced about how challenging taking pictures was for her after the many surgeries she underwent. Her comment: "How we see ourselves in pictures is always different than we actually look."

Oh gurlllllll. I needed a moment to let that set it. So much truth in that NOW. And it was especially true back then. There was no way Liz would not have had to grieve/digest/learn/accept/acknowledge that she looked different after surgery. Physical change will do that. But man, don't we all have to do those evolutions for ourselves in internal ways too.

As we talked I commented that I felt I wasn't always a person I wanted to be. Liz was QUICK to chime in and tell me how I made her feel and how she remembers me. WOW. What a difference in memory. While I'm over here thinking kind of shitty things about my behaviors in college and remembering them vividly through pictures of myself, shes over there remembering me as this beautiful soul. So lesson two from this reconnection: how people see us can be drastically different than our own assessment. For good or bad depending I guess. Hopefully better!

Which quickly leads to lesson three: we are harder on ourselves than those who love us. I can remember a few occasions where I did some not so great things. And yet, Liz doesn't remember them at all. Maybe they stick in my memory because they gave me the internal feedback I needed to change. Possibly those actions taught me the lesson on who NOT to be. So those stuck for me. But not for friends. They see your best side. Maybe being so hard on myself doesn't serve me. Hmmm.... something to unpack later!

So being on the phone with Liz brought up all the good feels. An hour on the phone with her blew by. And when I hung up the phone I felt revived. I think this validated the lesson my mom always instilled in me, and Liz echoed: How you make people feel is THE most important element to life. That's how you will be remembered. Let that soak in: Feelings, not the actions, inaction, money, time, or energy spent. Being around Liz was always fun. My feelings around her are of laughter, trust, deep love/appreciation, excitement, newness, and honesty. I feel that now when I connect with her. And yes, it is different because we don't KNOW each other like we did in college. People change. Hopefully for the better. So yes, there is a different level of intimacy in our relationships, but she still brings those feelings to light EASILY. So connection was easy.... Easy to share my life, both positive aspects and negative ones with her. To date she still feels like my Hoodie!

How I made her feel matters too. She remembers so deeply how I gave her spirit a lift by taking pictures of our hands. After surgery she didn't want pictures of her face. Totally get it. But we were still going to document our friendship, so hand pictures became a thing. We have hundreds of them. And while I am thankful Facebook was created back in 2005 so there arent any yuck pictures of my not so proud moments, I'm also sad there arent pictures to document all the fun moments we had. I need to find my old physical photo album with the pictures of us to really remember what our hand fun looked like. Luckily Liz had some:

She even remembers DEMANDING her mother call me in Scotland after her surgery to make sure I knew she was ok. I totally forgot about this and it made me laugh! No cell phones back then... so I dont even know where she would have called? The random hostel we were staying in? Well she must have gotten me the message some how, because I remember being so excited for the news that when I hiked a mountain in Edinburgh I took a hand picture alone to celebrate her. This makes me proud of the person I was/am. Again, I think we are hardest on ourselves and remember our worst moments. So it's nice to take time to hear how others remember you. This makes me proud of myself. Kindness was part of my heart even back then.

Ok. Ok. Let's hit one more lesson and call it a day. Liz was direct about this one too:

Unique experiences make us who we are. Maybe you feel weird and odd. But it is truly our gift to this world and what makes life special.

The more we talked about life and our college experience we realized that many people don't have this same kind of experience. I'm not talking about crazy stories, late night parties or all night study sessions... I'm talking friendships that get tested with serious shit like cancer. Cancer that requires multiple surgeries, weeks of drinking meals through a straw because of lip surgery, sacrifices .... and heavy topics to be discussed. This uniqueness made us. It brought out the true values that create meaning in life. The ones that create true friendships.

Not that fun to go through it. I can feel the heaviness sitting on my chest just thinking about this time. But it made me, me. And it made Liz, Liz. And I think the people we are now are people to be proud to be. That's the gift. And that makes so much sense. Everyone says it. Even listened to a postcast just yesterday about a girl who lost both her legs to TSS, and even she wouldn't trade her deep trauma for a different experience. Unique experiences are where it is at. So I am deeply grateful for this time.

And I needed this reminder at this very moment of being burnt out and struggling. It reminds me that this unique experience (although burn out isnt that unique.... I'm sure you agree) is going to be special for my heart in the future. The reminder, while hard to hold, is exactly what I need.

Ah. Shoot. One more lesson. I'm sure you'll agree. Isn't it so annoying friends or our own lives moves up apart? Hell even being 20mins from my bestie makes me mad. We used to be roommates! But again.... Liz comes in with the wisdom of a Tibetan monk:

Grieving friends far away isn't a bad thing. It just means you've got assets in many locations!

And my girl Hoodie lives in Florida! She knows her way around Disney. What an asset for a parent with a kiddo ;)

I am truly blessed. And I needed the reminder. Well maybe not. But maybe I did. Getting the reminder is always helpful and centering. So I'm leaning into that. I hope you lean into yours too. And better yet, I hope you call and old friend and have a phone call or two just like this! Worth it's weight in gold!