The Best Kind of Friend

Everyone needs a Dave Stuckless in their life. The friend who throws you under the bus because they know you are magic when tested, kind of friend.

I've know Dave for nearly 20 years. And I wish I could tell you we met when I was 10 and he was 20.... It still doesn't seem possible I have known him this long. Personally I think we look the same. I'll let you guys judge!

Us, circa 2005

Us, circa 2022

Anyway, this guy..... not even sure where to begin. He's definitely not everyone's cup of tea. But are any of us? He is authentically himself. Brutally honest. And the embodiment of the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*uck". Just maybe not that subtle.

But with that rough perceived exterior is someone who is deeply loyal, passionate about his family/friends/work/life, and fiercely supportive to the point of seeing your potential and wanting more from you.

Anyways... Twenty years ago we met at a party. At the time I was a part-time student and employee at a University. So at this party, this random guy, I just met, is offering me a full time job I was NOT qualified to work, right then and there. What!? It thought: "Didn't you just hear me say I'm NOT qualified to do this kind of work yet?" But he insisted with such confidence, and promised to help.

Why was this guy so open to giving me an opportunity? I was NOT equipped or ready for the job he offered me. I told him this at least four hundred times. And yet, he insisted. Maybe it was because I didn't want the job that made me more suitable for it. Dave somehow knew I'd step up to the challenge. I was anxious and on edge every time I stepped into that office. I wasn't good at it.... AT ALL. But what Dave swears is he knew my commitment and drive would be the reason I'd succeed, even though I felt like there was no possible way. He believed I could do it. A stranger, having just met me, saw something in me I couldn't see in myself. Wild how some people know us within minuets of meeting. His belief in me was so strong. Maybe it was that unproven trust that fueled fire in me to not let him down.

So during this time, feeling like an imposter became my identity. I never felt like I really knew what I was doing. And when you are around dozens of people, who appealingly do (and are MASTERS at the craft already), I continuously felt like a red pebble on a beach of white sand. Weird, useless, and out of place.

Looking back, I am not sure what kept me going, the insecurity was crippling at times and I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment. I HATED feeling like an imposter and not being good at what I was doing. There was NO quick fix in the moment either. Why would anyone continue with such negative feelings? I don't know. But maybe Dave's seemingly blind faith in me kept me chipping away at getting better everyday.

Feeling like an imposter is no joke. Funny enough, EVERYONE knows that feeling. And from what I've gathered fueling my love language of intimate 1:1 conversations, EVERYONE who is skilled at anything once felt it too. Hell..... most even still feel it, which pushes them to continuously be better. That's where greatness comes: when imposter syndrome meets action.

So action happened. I decided to go back to school, worked with mentors, practice endlessly, messed up, observed, tried again, analyzed, and soaked in all the feedback... both good and bad. Next.... throw in some montage music... and watch months on months on years of work be condensed into this short paragraph. Because ultimately, I became nationally certified and have been hired by agencies around the US.

Now, I'd love to say after becoming nationally certified changed everything. That some how that moment was the culmination of hard work and now I have arrived at "great". Nopppppe. In my mind I felt, a few screeners thought I was proficient enough for the title however, that didn't make me great. Confidence, skill and success have come to me from years of making clients happy. So even now, I am working on my imposter syndrome. Nearly twenty years into my profession.

Ok... back to Dave. So a bunch of years go by before the next BIG bus-throw by Dave. Certainly there were many others over the years. What I didn't know then was that being thrown under the bus repeatedly made me better equipped to handle the next time it would happen. But Dave's throws were especially.... special. So when Dave publicly volunteered me to write an article for a professional magazine, I wasn't surprised. However, once again I was still felt like an imposter, both terrified and ill prepared to produce anything worthwhile. I'm not a writer. I'm dyslexic and spontaneous. I hate reading. And writing means reading. Not to mention, organization and focus aren't my strong suits.... at all.

But once again, unknowingly I rose to the challenge. Imposter syndrome meets action, right? I figured it out. Never alone. Help is always around. These moments taught me that too. I leaned into help and got it done. Not just done but well done. Something I was proud of. Made that stress feel so worthwhile! I learned in all these moments to bask in THAT feeling. The stress is worthwhile. That is the magic every single time. That's what I life for. So onward to my next and next and next imposter moment..... slowly making each of those avenues less and less scary. So when my amazing friend, Paula, recommended I do a vlog (unknown- intimidating) & written article (done this before- check) for a chance to win some money, I felt slightly less insecure to jump in. So I just did it. Ultimately winning the prize money and learning to video edit and caption while I was at it.

Imposter syndrome is still so real for me. Things like beekeeping, writing, blogging are just some of the things that don't come easy to me. Hell, I feel like an imposter in the areas of my life that I kick butt at: interpreting, motherhood, baking, showing appreciation, being a supportive spouse & friend. I still feel like- naaaa this is for other people. I share this because it is a good thing! It keeps me wanting to be better. I care, so I try harder. If it didn't matter, it wouldn't matter if I wasn't equipped.

This is what all the expects on success will say too! It is the central theme of the podcast "The Diary of a CEO" by Steve Barlette. Everyone from the founder of Bumble, 5-Guys, Whoop, successful singers, YouTubers.... EVERYONE mentions the feeling of being an imposter even now. So I'm learning to embrace it like they do too. Greatness comes from action. Intentionally action.

James Clear says it so eloquently in his book too. We cast votes to be the person we want to be. If you are a person who identifies as a runner, you are the kind of person who chooses habits that runners do, again and again.

"Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. If you finish a book, then perhaps you are the type of person who likes reading. If you go to the gym, then perhaps you are the type of person who likes exercise. If you practice playing the guitar, perhaps you are the type of person who likes music. Each habit is like a suggestion: “Hey, maybe this is who I am.” No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity." -James Clear (https://jamesclear.com/identity-votes)

Atomic Habits

I have had ambitious to write a book for quite some time. At least 20 years now. But I would have never thought of myself as a "writer". But everyday since this blog's conception I have been writing daily. So I guess that casts my votes towards being that person.

I am deeply grateful for the endless times Dave has pushed me into feeling like an imposter. The more I do it, the more I end up feeling MASSIVE joy. Everyone needs a Dave as a friend. For me, this is true friendship. It is not just the friendship that says nice things and tells you want you want to hear. But the true friend who challenges you to be the best version of yourself. This kind of friend is the kind everyone needs.

And when I get texts like this, I can feel the fire in my soul:

"Seems you were wrong about not being a writer" -Dave.

Thank you friend. Love you.